


Take it All Away

by Lopithecus



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Blackouts, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Memory Loss, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Trigger words
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2020-11-08 16:13:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20838365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lopithecus/pseuds/Lopithecus
Summary: When Robert goes out to a club, he doesn’t expect what happens. He should have been more careful, should have paid more attention. Now his life is flipped upside down all because of one stupid mistake.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This is a “what happens if Robert is the one to get assaulted instead of Victoria” fic. I wrote this mainly because I wanted more hurt Robert (because I’m cruel and I like to see characters I love suffer.)
> 
> I wasn’t planning on posting this until I was done with it but I wanted to post it before Ryan leaves the show and that is, unfortunately, coming up fast. I do have Chapter 2 and 3 done but that’s it. Updates will most likely be slow but I never abandon a story, so I’ve got that going for you.
> 
> Also, my brother’s name is Aron so I’m not used to writing the name with two A’s (I actually often times forget that most people do spell it with two) so if you see at any time during the story I’ve spelt the name with one A, just let me know so I can fix it. 
> 
> This is my first fic in the Emmerdale fandom. I also live in America so I might get the slang they use on the show/things that are called differently here than in the UK, wrong. Hopefully I’ve obsessively watched the storyline enough times to pick up a few things, lol!
> 
> I’m also not going to be able to remember to change the spelling of words that are spelt differently here than in the UK nor would I know all the words that are spelt differently (i.e. z vs s) so I’m probably going to just use the American spelling. I’m sorry if this bothers you.
> 
> This is set around the time Robert, Aaron, Ellis, and Victoria go to that club except it doesn’t play out in this like it did on the show.
> 
> Please enjoy!

Robert saunters down the stairs, fixing his tie around his neck. He can smell the toast Aaron has made and it makes his mouth water, stomach growling with hunger. Once at the bottom, he approaches Aaron and Liv, where they are sat at the kitchen table, eating cereal for breakfast.

“Good morning,” he says, leaning down to kiss the top of Aaron’s head. He sits down and takes a piece of toast, taking a big bite out of it.

“Mornin’,” Aaron replies, mouth full of food. Liv gives him a smile but says nothing.

“I have a bunch of meetings today and then I have that late dinner celebration I told you about with a few of the new investors,” Robert comments.

Aaron nods. “Yeah, I remember.”

“So you’ll be home extra late then?” Liv asks, getting up from the table and grabbing her school bag.

“Probably,” Robert answers.

“Well maybe, Aaron, you could have tea with Chas then.” Liv shrugs on her bag. “Then I can have Gabby over without my annoying older brother hovering over us the whole time.”

“Aren’t you going to be late for college?” Aaron quips, giving Liv a playful look.

Liv laughs. “I’m just saying.”

Robert watches the scene play out in front of him, his own smile of amusement on his face. He’s always loved seeing the playful banter between Aaron and his sister. It often reminds him of how he and Victoria are sometimes. There’s just something gratifying about picking on your younger sibling.

Liv says her goodbyes and leaves The Mill. Aaron watches after her, a wistful smile playing at his lips. “What?” Robert asks him.

Aaron takes a deep breath and finally goes back to eating his cereal. “I’m just glad to see she seems to be moving on from that whole Jacob stuff.” He slurps his cereal as he drinks the milk from the bowl.

Robert makes a face at the sound. “She’s a strong kid. She can get through almost anything.”

“Well, she does have the perfect role models when it comes to getting through tough times,” Aaron says with a small, playful smile.

Robert chuckles. “If you say so.” He stands then, leaning over to give Aaron another kiss on the top of his head, grabbing a couple pieces of toast on his way. “I’ll see you later, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

*~~~*

Robert sits in a booth in the back of the Woolpack. He isn’t really looking forward to this dinner. He would rather be at home, curled up on the sofa with Aaron while they watch some corny film Liv picked out. He really hopes this doesn’t take long and comes up with a plan on how to make this whole thing go by as fast as possible while he waits. All he really has to do is eat a small meal while he schmoozes the guests of honor and buy them a few drinks. It should be easy.

That’s why Robert isn’t sure what to think when the children of the investors arrive instead of the men themselves. Two men and a woman who are probably about nine years younger than he is, approach him with wide smiles. He looks back at them in confusion, eyebrows knitting together. One of the men holds out his hand for a shake and Robert takes it. “Nice to meet you Mister Sugden-Dingle. I’m Lucas.”

The other man shakes Robert’s hand next. “Name’s Trevor.”

“And I’m Meghan,” the woman says, not offering her hand.

“Please, call me Robert.” Robert looks from one to the other. “Sorry, but I thought I was meeting-”

Lucas cuts him off. “Our fathers?” He chuckles. “Yeah, they thought we would have more fun instead.”

“But they’re the ones who made the deal,” Robert comments, incredulous. He’s starting to feel a little frustrated now. He didn’t come out tonight to entertain a bunch of young adults and if he’s being quite honest, it’s really unprofessional of the investors to send these three in place of them. “Sorry but,” Robert stands, “they really should have come out themselves.” He scoots out of the booth, grabbing his jacket. “It was nice meeting you but I think I’ll be off.”

“Woah, hold it.” Lucas steps in front of him. “We were promised a good time tonight; food, drink, the lot.” He smirks. “You wouldn’t want us to tell our dads that you skimped out on us, would ya?”

Robert isn’t sure what to say. He can’t lose these business deals, not if he wants the money from them. He and Aaron are trying to have a baby and they can’t do that if the new haulage company doesn’t work out. They’re desperate to make money, even if it means Robert has to entertain a bunch of children.

He sighs. “No, I wouldn’t.”

Lucas’ smile grows bigger. “Good! C’mon, let’s go.”

Robert stops them. “I thought we were only going to have a few drinks and some food?”

Trevor scoffs and looks around the Woolpack. “Not here.”

At that, the three of them turn and begin leaving the pub. Robert sighs again, heavier this time, and shakes his head, following behind.

*~~~*

Robert gets even more confused when the taxi pulls up next to a club. He gets out and turns to the group, asking, “Weren’t we just going to another pub or a bar?”

Meghan walks up to him and runs her hand over his shoulder. “And where’s the fun in that?”

Trevor smirks at him, wrapping an arm around Meghan’s middle. “Come on, Rob, lighten up a little. It’ll be fun.”

Robert bites his tongue, deciding that snapping at the little git wouldn’t do him any favors. Instead he says, “It’s Robert and this isn’t what I had in mind when I agreed to this.”

Trevor and Meghan laugh at him and start walking away to the queue while Lucas pats him on the back, leaving his hand at the nape of his neck. “It’s what our fathers want, Rob; for you to show us a good time and this is how it’s going to happen.”

He shrugs the man’s hand off. “I don’t really care what your fathers want. This is unprofessional to send you instead of coming themselves.” He looks the kid up and down in bewilderment. “I don’t really understand why they thought this would be okay.”

Lucas laughs, loud and obnoxious. “Because they’re too good for you, Rob. You’re some poor little pillock while our fathers are rich and powerful. Don’t you see, mate, they’re having fun at your expense.”

“They’re winding me up then?”

Lucas shrugs, walking away. “And the best part is, is you’re going to deal with it because you can’t lose this deal from what I’ve heard.”

Robert takes a deep breath in, trying to calm himself. This whole thing is ridiculous but he knows Lucas is right. He is going to deal with it. He has to. His and Aaron’s future depends on it. So with another quick, calming breath, he follows along and joins the queue at the entrance to the club. It’s quick moving, so it doesn’t take them long to get in, the three of his companions being ID’d. Robert heads straight for the bar and groans when he feels Trevor’s hand on his shoulder.

“You’re buying us all drinks, mate, and trust me, Meghan can put them back like you wouldn’t believe.” Trevor laughs and orders the three of them drinks. Robert pays reluctantly, glaring at them the whole time, and sighs in relief when they decide to leave him alone for a while to head out onto the dance floor, drinks in hand.

Robert turns back to the bartender and orders himself a beer, pulling out his mobile. He quickly navigates to Aaron’s name and starts typing out a text, wishing he could call him just to hear his voice which he knows will instantly calm him down, but the music is too loud to do such a thing.

**To Aaron: sent 19:24**

_ Save me _

**From Aaron: received 19:25**

_ Sorry, can’t. Got Liv and Gabby drama to deal with. I’ll tell you later. What happened? _

Robert sighs to himself again and begins explaining to Aaron what is going on. He finishes his beer by the time he’s done typing it all out and sending it, finding himself ordering another one. He tacks on one last message, wanting to get across just how irritated he is.

**To Aaron: sent 19:36**

_ It’s frustrating and unprofessional. They’re treating me as if I’m some chav who doesn’t know what he’s doing _

**From Aaron: received 19:37**

_ I don’t get it, if it’s that bad then why don’t you just drop ‘em _

**To Aaron: sent 19:37**

_ Because we need this money, Aaron. It’s for our baby _

**From Aaron: received 19:39**

_ But is it really worth it? _

**To Aaron: sent 19:40**

_ Yes it is. Anything is for our baby _

**From Aaron: received 19:41**

_ Anything? Because we’ve been there before, Rob, and look where it’s gotten you _

Robert rolls his eyes at that, annoyance building up in him for Aaron’s use of his past to have a go at him again.

**To Aaron: sent 19:42**

_ This isn’t like last time. This is legit _

Robert can practically hear Aaron’s scoff as he waits for a reply.

**From Aaron: received 19:42**

_ Yeah okay. All I’m saying is don’t do too many things you’re uncomfortable with just for this _

**To Aaron: sent 19:43**

_ I won’t. Promise _

**From Aaron: received 19:43**

_ I’ve got to go. Try to have at least a little fun, yeah? _

**To Aaron: sent 19:43**

_ Impossible without you _

Robert smirks as he puts his phone back in his pocket, knowing Aaron scoffs again as he shakes his head, chuckling slightly at Robert’s comment. He turns around and leans against the bar, watching the crowd as they dance wildly to the music that is playing. He shakes his head in amusement. There are so many people that are willing to make fools of themselves once a little bit of drink is in them.

Within fifteen minutes, Robert is well and truly bored. He hasn’t left the bar and he finished his second beer ages ago. He debates getting another but he’s not really fancying the idea of getting plastered tonight so decides to forgo it. The problem is, now, he’s stood by the bar with nothing to do but people watching and he doesn’t even have anything to occupy his hands with. Robert scans the crowd for Trevor, Lucas, and Meghan and spots them in a frenzied dance, looking as if they are having a brilliant time.

Rubbing at his eyes, Robert turns back around to face the bar and orders another drink, relenting to the fact that he needs to do something to get through this night. He wonders how long he has to stay for it to be appropriate to leave, and figures he’ll probably have to buy his “mates” for the night a couple more rounds. As if in answer, Meghan comes up to him and leans in close to his ear, speaking loudly to be heard over the music, and hand snaking its way around his waist. “‘Nother round on you, aye?”

Robert nods with an eye roll and waits for the bartender to come his way before getting his attention. He orders them a couple more drinks, handing over a few more quid than necessary to pay for any future drinks they might get. She walks away with a flirtatious smirk and wink and Robert feels his face turn into a grimace before he can stop himself. Megan throws her head back and laughs, the sound lost in the noise of the music.

He’s stood there for another thirty minutes before he decides enough is enough. This whole night was a waste of time and he’s tired, agitated, and just wants to go home to Aaron where he can snuggle up next to him in bed. Robert sets his beer bottle down on the bar and pushes off it, ready to go tell Lucas that he’s leaving when someone bumps into him, spilling half their drink on his shirt. Robert has to bite his tongue to stop the retort that wants to come out, his mood becoming even more sour. He likes this shirt.

“So sorry, mate!” Robert looks up from his soaked shirt to a bloke who is about his age. The man reaches out to wipe at the liquid staining Robert’s shirt before realizing that he doesn’t actually have anything to wipe it up with. He pulls his hand back, frowning. “Shit, I didn’t see you there.”

Robert has to take a deep breath before speaking. “It’s alright.” He turns in the direction of the toilets.

“Oi, let me help you,” the man says, walking beside Robert.

Robert holds his hands out, dismissing him. “I’ve got it, thanks.”

“Look, it’s my fault. Just,” the man puts a hand on his shoulder, stopping Robert from walking away, “I want to help.”

Robert resists the urge to roll his eyes. “Fine.”

They both head into the toilets where the music quiets to a low thump, Robert’s ears ringing slightly. He grabs a handful of paper towels and starts to dab at his shirt. “You’ve got to get the towel wet first.” Robert’s eyes snap up to the mysterious bloke who spilled his drink on him.

“Look, I’m just trying to dry it. I was on my way home.”

“But you don’t want it to stain,” the man says as he grabs more paper towels and wets them under the tap. “Here.” He reaches over and starts to wipe at Robert’s shirt.

Robert stands there, not really knowing what to do. He can feel the heat beginning to crawl up his neck at the other man invading his space, getting uncomfortable at the proximity. The only person who isn’t blood related to him (besides Diane, of course, but she’s like blood) who has been this close to him recently is Aaron. He grabs a hold of the man’s hand. “I can do it.”

The man shrugs, taking a step back and handing over the paper towel. “Suit yourself.”

Robert eyes him before looking back down at his shirt. It couldn’t have just been a beer that was spilt on him. No, it had to be some fancy, colorful drink that is surely going to leave a blotch of red on his shirt. He sighs in defeat, throwing the paper towel in the bin. “It’s no use.” When Robert looks back up, the man is biting his bottom lip and Robert has to roll his eyes at the sight. “Don’t worry ‘bout it.”

“Well, at least let me buy you a drink to make up for it.”

Robert’s shaking his head before the bloke even finishes his sentence. “No need. I was going home.”

“Just one drink.” The man is smiling at him.

“I’m married,” Robert says, pointedly.

The man chuckles. “I noticed, I saw the ring.” His smile grows, playful like. “Come on, it’s a harmless drink. Just to say sorry.”

Robert stares at him, debating. One drink won’t hurt, will it? It’ll please this man and it’ll give his shirt a little time to dry before going home. Sure he’ll still smell like a boozer but at least he won’t have to ride home in a taxi with a sopping wet shirt. “Alright, go on then.”

The man’s smile grows impossibly wide and he leads the way back out into the club. They push their way over to the bar where Robert leans down on it, arms crossed, and waiting for the bartender to make his way to them. “Name’s Theo.” The man, _ Theo _, says, leaning a little closer to be heard.

Robert gives him a nod in acknowledgement. “Robert.”

Theo purses his lips, nods in approval, and turns back to the bar, the bartender asking for their order. Theo orders for the both of them and Robert quirks one of his eyebrows in question. “What?”

Robert shakes his head. “Nothin’. Just don’t want one of those fancy drinks.”

“You mean the ones with lots of colors and weird names?” Theo teases, laughing at him. “Don’t worry, it’s not.”

They don’t have to wait long before Robert spots the bartender coming over with their drinks. He’s about to reach out for his when he hears his name being called. He’s never rolled his eyes so many times in one night. Turning around, he faces Lucas who is perfectly bladdered. “Mate!” He wraps an arm around Robert’s shoulders, leaning into him. Robert suspects if he moved, Lucas would collapse to the floor by how much he was holding himself up on him. “We thought you had left.”

“Yeah, _ mate _, I was just having one more drink then leaving.” Robert tries to push him off but he holds on firmly.

“You haven’t danced with us yet,” Lucas slurs, resting his head on Robert’s shoulder.

Robert groans in annoyance, pushing harder. Lucas stumbles back off him. “I’ll pass, thanks.”

Lucas waves him off, sticking his tongue out at Robert, and Robert stares after him in uncontained disbelief. “Friends of yours?”

Robert turns back to Theo who is holding out his drink. It’s some blue liquid with one of those mini umbrellas in it and an olive, all contained in a cocktail glass. Robert hesitantly grabs for it, frowning. “No, thank God. I was just someone who could pay out on their drinks.”

Theo chuckles. “Then it’s a good thing I bought you yours.”

Robert’s eyes travel back down to his drink. “What in hell is it?”

“Just try it,” Theo says, smile playing at his mouth in amusement. “If you don’t like it then I’ll buy you a beer instead.”

“Didn’t I tell you I was going home?” Robert brings the glass to his lips.

He doesn’t miss the way Theo’s eyes travel the length of his body. “You did and that you’re also married.”

Robert licks his lips. “I don’t cheat.”

“I never asked you too.” Theo gives him a quick nod, directed at the glass still by Robert’s mouth. “Drink.”

Robert shakes his head and sips at the liquid, swallowing thoughtfully. He gives it a second, dragging it out just to annoy Theo who looks at him expectantly. Finally, he shrugs. “It’s not bad.”

Theo nudges him. “See, I told you you’d like it.” The man takes a sip from his own drink, another one of those colorful ones.

“This,” Robert gestures between the two of them, “me drinking this thing, stays between us, yeah?”

“Mate, I’m probably never going to see you again after tonight. Your secret is safe.”

Robert huffs, shaking his head, and drinking more of the blue liquid. Theo watches him from the corners of his eyes, smiling flirtatiously at Robert every once in a while. By the time Robert is done with the whole thing, he’s a little more than just tipsy. He carefully sets the glass down with shaking hands. “How… how much alcohol was in that thing?” Theo shrugs and Robert frowns at him.

“You alright, mate?” Theo asks him, hand landing on Robert’s shoulder.

Robert almost falls to the ground, losing his balance as the room starts to spin. “I…”

He hears Theo laugh beside him, the sound almost distant. “You’re completely pissed.” He puts one of Robert’s arms over his own shoulder, helping Robert keep balance. “Let me help you to a taxi.”

Robert stumbles along as the room continues to spin out of control, leaning onto Theo. His stomach is doing flips and he seriously starts to think he’s going to be sick all over himself when the next thing he knows, he’s in a taxi sat next to Theo. His eyebrows furrow in confusion as his body starts to relax into the seat. “Did I tell you where I live?”

Theo watches him but Robert can’t focus. “Of course, you did. That’s where we’re headed.”

Robert shakes his head, his movement feeling sluggish. “I don’t… I don’t remember telling you.”

When he blinks next, he’s in some kind of lobby, sitting in a chair. He looks around, confused, sweat covering his entire body as he shakes uncontrollably. He’s having a hard time focusing on things, his vision blurry and unfocused. Every once in a while the room will sway and it’ll make his stomach feel like it's doing somersaults. Robert looks around the room for a bin he can be sick into just in case, but can’t find one.

Theo strides up next to him, lifts his arm, slinging it over his shoulder once more, and helping Robert out of the chair. “Come on.”

He’s cold, that’s why he’s shivering. He’s naked and he’s cold and where is he? Robert looks around again, limbs feeling heavy, and he’s in a room, a hotel room by the looks of it - he doesn’t remember how he got there - with Theo sitting on the edge of the bed, back towards him and fumbling with his… his trainers?

“Wasn’t I going home?” He’s confused. Robert meant to go home. Why is he here? Did Robert tell the taxi driver to bring them here? No, no Robert wouldn’t cheat on Aaron. Not again. Not ever again.

Right?

“Theo…”

Theo turns to him, pulling his shirt over his head. He leans over, kissing Robert softly. “Shh, it’s fine.”

Robert blinks and groans as his heart pounds in his ears. His head feels like there is a hammer inside of it and his body is sticky with sweat. He’s lying on his stomach and Robert groans, the light overhead making his eyes hurt. He tries to bury his face into the pillow but grimaces when his face is met with wetness and the stench of vomit. Turning his head back to the side, his eyes roam over the room. He was expecting to see his bedroom, Aaron next to him, but is confused when he sees unfamiliar wallpaper. Where the hell is he?

Swallowing, he makes to get up, arms feeling weak as he tries to push up. When he bends his right leg to get leverage, fiery hot pain shoots up from his back. He hisses and immediately lies back down, breathing hard. That’s when he realizes it doesn’t just feel like sweat that has made his body sticky. There’s another semi-dry substance on his back and between his cheeks. His stomach churns and Robert has to swallow multiple times to try and keep from being sick, something he has obviously already done but can’t remember doing so.

Did he really get drunk and bring a stranger to a hotel room? No… no, he only had a few drinks. Definitely not enough to get shit faced. No, something else… Theo, Theo had gotten him a drink. Did he get drunk from that one? He couldn’t have. It didn’t taste very strong and besides, he wouldn’t have slept with some random bloke. He doesn’t do that anymore. He knows he doesn’t. Then… then the only explanation is…

Robert groans again, feels the bile rise up his throat, and jumps out of bed to try and make it to the toilet in time. He doesn’t and he ends up vomiting on the floor, pain shooting throughout his entire body. His legs shake with the effort of keeping himself up, one hand supporting his weight on the nightstand. He can feel something dripping down the inside of his thighs and Robert really needs to get out of there.

Frantically, he searches the room for his clothes and when he finds them, he pulls them back on with great effort, trying to ignore the pain his body is in. When fully clothed, he stumbles out of the room and makes his way slowly to the front desk where he tries not to show his discomfort. “Hi, checking out.”

“Name?” the receptionist asks him.

Robert hesitates, not knowing what name Theo put the room under. “Uh, I don’t know what it’s under.”

The receptionist frowns at him and Robert feels his face grow hot in embarrassment. “What room number was it?”

Robert shakes his head. “I-I don’t know.”

Her frown grows more prominent. “Do you have the card key? I can’t check you out if-”

Robert’s stomach flips again. “Just never mind.” He pushes off the counter and heads to the front doors, ignoring the woman’s calls. They’ll just have to figure it out themselves.

When he exits the building, he isn’t expecting it to be pitch black out. Screwing up his eyebrows, he looks at the time on his watch and groans in dismay. It’s half past one in the morning. Aaron is going to be freaking out. Robert quickly gets a taxi and tells the driver where to go, wishing he would drive faster as Robert pulls out his mobile. He has a few texts from Aaron.

**From Aaron: received 23:02**

_ Where are you? _

**From Aaron: received 00:24**

_ When I said to have fun, I didn’t mean stay out this late, Robert _

**From Aaron: received 01:13**

_ If you think I’m waiting up for you any longer, then you’re wrong _

Shit. How is he going to explain this to Aaron? When he said he was going to be home late earlier, he had meant ten maybe eleven at the latest. Not almost two in the morning. Aaron is going to kill him and then when he finds out why Robert was so late, he’s going to resurrect him just to kill him _ again _. Robert has to come up with an excuse and it has to be one that Aaron will believe. Aaron can never know he cheated again.

No, wait, he didn’t cheat. He… he can’t remember but he knows he didn’t cheat. That’s right, he already came to that conclusion earlier in the hotel room. Robert lays his aching head on the window, getting confused again. No, Theo… Theo gave him a drink. That’s when he started to feel weird, after he had drank it. So something… the drink. The drink had something to do with what happened. He can’t remember.

With a pain filled moan, he rubs at his face tiredly. The taxi driver is saying something to him, something about getting out and paying him. Robert lifts his head and looks out the window, eyebrows furrowing. He can’t be home yet. He doesn’t even remember half the drive there.

The drink must not be entirely out of his system yet.

Whatever was _ in _ the drink must not be out of his system yet.

Robert struggles out of the taxi and pulls out his wallet and pays the taxi driver. He stumbles up the drive, to The Mill, and fumbles with the keys for almost two minutes before he finally gets his coordination correct to unlock the door. When he enters, everything is quiet and Aaron is nowhere in sight. Glancing at the stairs, he contemplates attempting to climb them but his legs are shaky again and the room is spinning once more.

He barely makes it to the sofa before he collapses on top of it and passes back out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven’t written in months and I feel like the beginning of this chapter shows it, but hopefully it got better as it went.
> 
> I have so many British Slang/words links saved that it’s ridiculous.
> 
> Also, yes, I know how unrealistic it is for investors to send their kids to the dinner celebration. That’s the wonderful thing about writing. I can have anything happen even though in reality it would probably never happen, lol!
> 
> Thank you for reading! I hope you stick around even though I know nothing about the UK and how you all talk. If you want to give me any pointers, please feel free. Am I using too much slang? Should I use arse instead of ass? Let me know! I’m always willing to learn. ^_^


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, feel free to give me pointers or to just laugh at my ignorance when it comes to British English. XD
> 
> Please enjoy!

When Aaron wakes up early in the morning and realizes that Robert isn’t there, worry worms its way into his chest. Surely Robert hadn’t stayed out all night and if he did, who did he stay with? He had mentioned the people he went out with were a lot younger than him but so is Aaron by some people’s standards. It also wasn’t like Robert didn’t have form for cheating. However, Robert was annoyed with the people he had to be with but Aaron supposes that doesn’t mean he couldn’t have met someone at the club. But Robert has also promised to be faithful this time and Aaron believed him,  _ does _ believe him. He has to because he doesn’t think he could go through what happened before again.

Sitting up in bed, he grabs his mobile and looks at his texts. There’s still no reply by Robert and Aaron had worried last night too. He taps his phone with his thumb a few times before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and getting up, putting his phone back down. He decides to go take a shower, trying to stamp down on his concern a little, before heading downstairs to attempt to make breakfast.

What he doesn’t expect is to see Robert asleep on the sofa. Aaron wonders how long he has been there as he approaches the sleeping man. He had gone to bed close to one thirty so Robert had to have come home sometime after that and it’s nine now. Most likely, Robert hasn’t been sleeping there all that long.

Aaron doesn’t have to get close to be able to smell the alcohol on him. Aaron frowns and looks Robert over. He obviously got completely sloshed last night if his rumpled hair and messed up clothes has anything to say about it but at least he’s home and not in some bird’s, or bloke’s, bed. Guilt for doubting his husband fills Aaron’s chest where the worry had once been.

He sits down on the coffee table and reaches over to shake Robert. “Rob.” Robert groans and Aaron smiles in sympathy. He probably has the worst hangover. “Mornin’.”

Robert reaches up and rubs at his face slowly. He barely moves. “What time is it?”

“Nine” Aaron grimaces at how awful Robert looks right now. “How much did you have to drink? You look poorly.”

Robert’s eyes roam the room, a bit of confusion passing over his face before Robert hides it. Aaron’s eyebrows furrow slightly. “Not much,” Robert answers.

Aaron gives him a hesitant smile, watching Robert carefully. His eyes seem to be distant, unfocused, as if Robert is thinking about something troubling. “Well, you must have at least enjoyed yourself a little.” Aaron scrunches his face. “You reek of booze.”

Robert shakes his head minutely and he lets one of his legs fall to the floor in order to push himself up. Aaron doesn’t miss the way Robert flinches with the movement and the way he winces as he sits up. “Not really.”

Worry crawls its way back into Aaron’s chest. “Are you okay?” he asks his husband. He bites his bottom lip when Robert frowns. “What’s wrong?”

Robert settles into a seated position but holds himself up a little by the arms. Aaron can tell he’s in pain. “Nothin’.”

“Don’t lie to me, Robert.” Aaron swallows nervously.

Robert’s eyes dart up to his and then back down to his lap, frown deepening. He sighs loudly, relaxing into the sofa and looking as if he regrets it immediately by the pain filled grimace that crosses his face. “There was this bloke…”

Aaron worries his bottom lip between his teeth. “Okay…” he says when Robert doesn’t elaborate, mind already going to the fact that Robert is going to tell him he cheated again.

Robert has always known Aaron well and he proves this by saying, “I didn’t cheat on you.”

Aaron grows skeptical, eyes narrowing slightly and brows furrowing. He shrugs. “Okay then. What did you do with this bloke?”

Robert doesn’t meet his eyes and it only makes Aaron’s doubt intensify. “He bought me a drink…”

“And what?” Aaron can already feel the tears welling up in his eyes, not wanting to believe this is happening again. Not again. Robert doesn’t say anything, just continues to look down at his lap. There are tears in his husband’s eyes and Aaron can’t deal with this. “Did… did you kiss him?” Aaron presses because if it was just a kiss then maybe… maybe he could handle that but anything more. No… no, he can’t do that again. “S-snog him? What, Robert? Did you-”

“He drugged me.” Robert cuts him off abruptly.

Aaron is stunned into silence as he stares at his husband. Robert still won’t meet his eyes and Aaron feels a tear slip down his cheek. He wipes it away quickly, finding his voice. “He what?”

Robert’s eyes look up into his and he sees the pain reflected in them, the anguish, shame, and guilt. “He drugged me, brought me to a hotel, and raped me.”

Aaron blinks and more tears fall down his face. He shakes his head slowly, not believing what he is hearing. His stomach tightens in horror. “Robert…”

Robert quickly shakes his head, standing and grimacing in pain. “I don’t want to talk about it.” He starts to move away, heading towards the stairs.

Aaron hurriedly gets up. “B-But Robert, wait.” He catches Robert’s arm and Robert flinches away so forcibly that the man stumbles back and knocks into the railing of the stairs, causing him to hiss in pain. Aaron is by his side in an instant. “Are you alright?” He looks his husband up and down, assessing the situation. He’s careful not to touch him again.

“Yeah, yeah, m’fine.” Robert straightens with difficulty. “I just want a bath. I’m dirty.”

“But…” he tries to catch Robert’s eyes but Robert refuses to look at anything but the floor. “But we need to go to the police. They’ll want evidence.”

Robert looks up at that, eyes wide and panicked. “No.” Aaron looks at him, confused. “I’m not going to the police.”

“Why not?” Aaron asks.

“Because I just don’t want to, Aaron.” Robert takes a step back, placing a foot on the stairs.

“Hold on,” Aaron stops him. “You practically begged me to report Gordon to the police and now you expect me to overlook what happened to you?”

“The way I recall it, you didn’t even want to report him either.”

“But I did.”

“Yeah, to stop Cain from killing him.”

“Yeah, at first,” Aaron argues. “But by the time he was done in, I didn’t regret my decision, Robert. I was glad he was banged up.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Robert snaps, taking another step up the stairs. “I don’t even know the man’s last name so I wouldn’t even know what to tell the police.” Robert looks at him desperately, eyes glazing over with tears. “Just drop it, Aaron. I mean it.”

They stare at each other for a few seconds before Aaron sighs in defeat. “Fine, but you need to at least go to the hospital. I’m assuming this bloke didn’t care enough about…” Aaron feels sick just at the notion. “Protection?”

Robert hesitates at that, diverting his eyes. “No, he didn’t.” He looks back at Aaron, shuffling on his feet. “Fine, I’ll go, but I’ll make an appointment.”

“Robert.”

“No, Aaron. I’m done talking about it, alright?” Robert says, using a tone that indicates the conversation is over. Aaron sighs and allows Robert to make the rest of the journey up the stairs.

Shaking his head, Aaron sits down on the arm of the sofa, deep in thought about his husband. He can’t believe this has happened to him and guilt constricts Aaron’s chest, thinking over and over about last night and what he could have done differently. He could have tried harder to convince Robert that going to the club was a bad idea, that it wasn’t worth it, or Aaron could have gone to the club when Robert had texted him to save him.

If Aaron had just  _ gone there _ , then none of this would have happened. He would have been there with his husband and would have kept an eye on him. He wouldn’t have allowed some bloke to convince Robert to buy him a drink. The man wouldn’t have even  _ considered _ buying Robert a drink if Aaron had been there, showing him that he wasn’t going to intrude on Aaron’s territory. Aaron would have protected Robert.

Aaron is still sat there, stewing, when Liv comes down the stairs with a yawn. Aaron watches her, his anger irrationally building towards her. He hadn’t gone to Robert because Liv needed help with Gabby. Aaron pushes off the sofa and follows Liv into the kitchen. “Did you sort things with Gabby?”

Liv pulls out a box of cereal and a bowl. “Yeah, of course we did. Thanks for the assist by the way.”

Aaron nods, far from amused, but keeps his mouth shut. He needs to talk to Robert about the situation more before he goes off on Liv. After all, Liv didn’t know what was going to happen and Aaron doesn’t actually know if Robert wants her to know. Still, even with thinking that, it doesn’t quell Aaron’s anger, at Liv or himself. “So soon?”

She shrugs, giving him a weird look as she pours the milk into the bowl. “Yeah, why not?”

“Did you even really need my help?”

“Yeah,” Liv says, matter of fact, sitting down at the table. “Your advice, believe it or not, helped.”

Aaron bites his tongue, swallowing down the retort that almost slips out. “Right.” He turns and heads upstairs, afraid of what he might say if he keeps talking to his little sister. Instead, he heads in the direction of the bathroom, knocking gently at the closed door. “Robert, can I come in?” When he doesn’t get an answer, he slowly opens the door, worry niggling at him. “Robert?”

When he steps into the room, Aaron’s heart breaks and his face softens at the sight he sees, his anger completely diminishing. Robert is sat in the bathtub with his legs drawn up and forehead pressed into his knees. His arms are wrapped around his shins and he is obviously crying by the sounds of the sobs coming from him. Aaron approaches quietly, shutting the bathroom door behind him, and sitting on the edge of the tub. “Rob?”

Robert lifts his head and wipes at his eyes, giving Aaron a weak smile. Aaron smiles back at him, small and full of sadness. He reaches down and cups Robert’s cheek, leaning down and kissing the top of Robert’s head. He leaves his face there for a few more seconds, breathing in his husband’s scent. Aaron can feel his own tears prickling at the edges of his eyes but he blinks to rid them before pulling away.

“Want some company?” Aaron asks, stroking Robert’s cheek with his thumb. Robert shrugs and Aaron clarifies. “I mean, mind if I join you?”

Robert looks down at the bathtub before looking back up to Aaron. “Sure.”

Aaron smiles again, a little more loving this time, and then eyes the water. He can see the little tint of red that swirls in the water and knows it’s from dried blood. It makes him sick just at the thought and he reaches over to drain the tub, not knowing what other bodily fluids that might have come off Robert’s body. “Let’s get some fresh water first, aye?”

“Probably a good idea.” Robert looks down, squirming uncomfortably.

They wait for the water to be gone and then Aaron turns the tap back on, letting the tub fill with new water. Once it’s at an ideal depth, he stands and begins to strip, starting with his jumper. “It’s been a long time since we’ve had a bath together, hasn’t it?”

Robert shrugs again. “Because the bathtub isn’t exactly big enough for the two of us.”

Aaron chuckles as he rids himself of his trousers. “True.”

When Aaron loops his thumbs in his boxers and is about to pull them down, Robert stops him. “Don’t!” Aaron looks at his husband in surprise and notices Robert looks confused at his own outburst, eyebrows furrowed in surprise. “I mean-”

Aaron cuts him off. “It’s okay,” he says, shaking his head and letting go of his boxers. “I get it.” Aaron steps into the tub and sinks down to the water, ignoring the weirdness of still having his boxers on. He understands Robert probably doesn’t want to be with someone else who is naked right now, most likely feeling too vulnerable for that kind of thing at the moment. Aaron settles, his legs on either side of Robert’s hips and Robert’s feet between Aaron’s legs. “Want me to wash your hair?”

Robert won’t meet his eyes, still holding onto his legs. “Yeah, okay.”

Aaron reaches up for the shower head and pulls it down, wetting Robert’s hair and then reaching for the shampoo. He puts some on his hand and begins to scrub it into Robert’s blond locks soothingly, Robert’s head bowed in order to not get any in his eyes. “You know we need to talk about this, right?”

“Right now?” Robert’s voice is small, quiet.

Aaron massages Robert’s scalp, trying to keep his husband calm. “Robert, you need to tell me exactly what happened.”

Robert sighs and pulls away from Aaron’s hands. His hand comes up and wipes at his face, pushing his hair back off his forehead. “I told ya.”

“But why did you let that bloke buy you a drink?” Aaron shrugs. “Why did you even take it?”

He watches as Robert swallows nervously. “He spilt his drink on me. When I went to the toilets to clean up, he followed me and offered to buy me a drink as an apology. I tried to turn him down, told him I was on my way home, that I was married but he insisted.” Aaron nods in encouragement when Robert stops, hesitating. “He ordered me a drink without even asking what I wanted. I-I got distracted.”

“How?”

“Lucas, one of the investor’s sons, came up to me, drunk off his ass, and started talking to me and hanging off of me.” Robert’s eyes dart up to Aaron’s before he lets them fall again. “When I turned around, Theo was just handing me the drink. I didn’t think anything of it.”

“Theo?”

“The bloke’s name who…” Aaron rubs Robert’s arms soothingly. “I-I should have known something was up by how much he was pushing me to drink it.”

Aaron shakes his head. “No, Robert, you couldn’t have known. You just thought he was coming onto you. There’s no harm in that.”

Robert pulls away from Aaron’s touch. “No, I’m an idiot. I should have known better. You don’t just take a drink from a stranger.”

“Robert…”

“The next thing I know, I’m feeling sick, almost drunk but I knew I didn’t drink enough to be.” Robert shakes his head. “Everythings… everything is fuzzy after that. I remember him walking me through the club, briefly in the taxi, a little of the hotel lobby, and him sitting on the edge of the bed while I lay there with my clothes off.” Aaron swallows and takes a deep breath. He doesn’t want to hear this but knows he has to. “I remember… I remember feeling scared, confused, and really, really sick. I had been sick at one point but I don’t remember that.” Robert is looking very pale. “There was a lot of pain.” He looks up at Aaron and there are tears in his eyes. “It hurt so much, Aaron.”

Aaron nods and lunges forward, wrapping Robert up in his arms and allowing his husband to cry into his shoulder. He holds him tightly, his own tears falling down his cheeks, as he strokes a hand up Robert’s back and the other hand petting Robert’s still soapy hair. Robert clings to him for a few minutes, sobbing and hiccuping, before sitting up and wiping at his eyes. It does him no good as the tears just keep falling. “I couldn’t move.” Aaron feels like he’s going to be ill. “I tried, but I couldn’t.” Robert wipes at his eyes again. “All I wanted, more than anything, was to be here with you.”

“I’m so sorry, Robert.”

Robert continues, as if he didn’t hear Aaron’s statement. “I woke up, after, and I didn’t remember what had happened. Not at first. I was still confused and… and I can’t remember how I got out of the hotel or how I got home. The drug, it must have still been in my system. Theo wasn’t there when I woke up though.”

“He just left you?” Aaron asks, disgusted. Robert nods and anger surges in Aaron. “That little-”

“I was glad he wasn’t there, Aaron,” Robert says. “I don’t know if he would have let me go home if he was still there.”

“But what if you had a bad reaction to whatever he gave you? You could be lying there dead right now, Robert,” Aaron says, feeling angry.

“But I’m not.” Robert grabs the shower head and turns it on. “I just want to move on and forget it even happened.” Robert holds out the shower head towards Aaron and Aaron takes it. “You can’t tell anyone either, Aaron, not Diane or Vic or Liv. Promise me, Aaron.”

Aaron sighs and gently nudges Robert’s head down so he can rinse the soap out of his hair. “Of course, I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to. I promise.” When he finishes with Robert’s hair, he asks, “Do you want to finish up yourself?” Robert nods and Aaron stands. “I still think we should go to the police.”

“No.” Robert gives him a stern look. “I saw what you went through with Gordon and I don’t want to do that. I just want the memories to go away and going to court isn’t going to do that.”

Aaron steps out of the tub, his boxers dripping water all over the floor. “The memories aren’t going to go away anyway, Robert,” Aaron says harshly and immediately regrets it when Robert flinches and looks away from him. Aaron slumps and sighs. “I’m sorry, Rob, I didn’t mean-”

“Yes you did.” Robert looks pointedly down at the water. “Please just let me finish.”

Aaron frowns and grabs a towel, wrapping it around his waist and then pulling his boxers off. “I’m going to take your clothes and wash them.” Aaron bends down and scoops up Robert’s clothes. He looks back at Robert one last time before leaving the bathroom, Robert still refusing to look at him.

Aaron brings Robert’s clothes to their bedroom, getting dressed first before picking them back up. He hesitates before leaving the room, however, and stands at the door to their bedroom, looking down at the clothes. Worrying his bottom lip between his teeth, he brings the clothes over to the bed and starts to inspect them. He finds what he’s looking for on the inside of Robert’s boxer shorts. Semen from this so called Theo stains the fabric there. Looking back at the door to make sure Robert isn’t going to come in, Aaron grabs a store bag that a new pair of trousers Robert bought the other day are in. He takes the trousers out and stuffs the dirty clothes into it, tying it up. He then shoves the bag into the back of their closet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just stay living in the reality of this fic instead of the reality that Ryan is actually leaving the show? Thanks.
> 
> It's like watching Stendan all over again (who remembers Stendan?) Guess who bawled their eyes out when Brendan got a life sentence and Stendan was torn apart? This writer! Guess who is bawling their eyes out as they watch Robert's exit and Robron gets torn apart? This writer!!!
> 
> _*Goes off and cries*_

Robert goes downstairs when he smells something burning, dressed in a t-shirt, tracksuit bottoms, and dressing gown. Scrunching his nose and ignoring the way his stomach flips, he walks up to Aaron who is waving an oven mitt in the opening of the stove. There’s so much smoke, they’ll be lucky if the fire alarm doesn’t go off. “What are you doing?” he asks his husband.

Aaron startles, looking back at him and then taking whatever had been in the oven out. “Where have you been? You’ve been missing for hours.”

Robert shrugs. “Upstairs thinking.”

“For hours?”

“Yes.” Robert eyes the food and doesn’t tell Aaron he had done that thinking sitting on the floor because he couldn’t bring himself to even touch the bed. “What is that?”

Aaron grimaces down at it. “It’s supposed to be macaroni and cheese.” He places the glass dish down on the counter, near the sink. “I followed a recipe and all.”

“The last time you tried to follow a recipe, I ended up redoing it for you… and it wasn’t even made for me.”

Aaron screws up his mouth, mocking him. “Yes, I remember, Robert. Will you just help me with this?”

Robert sighs, feeling tired. “Why don’t we just order some takeaway?”

Robert regrets saying it as soon as he sees the frown on Aaron’s face. “You don’t want to cook? You love cooking.”

Robert shrugs. “I’m just not really up for it.”

Aaron’s frown seems to get more pronounced as he eyes Robert. “I was trying to cook for us to try and make ya feel better but cooking might actually be a good distraction for ya.”

“Distraction from what?” Liv asks as soon as she enters the house. Robert gives Aaron a warning look, reminding his husband to not tell Liv what happened to him.

Aaron licks his lips and forces a smile. “Work. Been telling ‘im he’s working too hard, haven’t I?”

“Well, I don’t need the distraction.” Robert sits down at the table, pulling his dressing gown tighter around himself. “I’m not going into work tomorrow anyway.”

“You’re not?” Liv sits across from him. “Why not?”

He can see Aaron from the corner of his eyes, waiting for his answer. Robert stays quiet, though, not knowing what to say. When Aaron realizes this, he jumps in, saving him. “He just needed a break, that’s all.” Robert gives Liv a weak smile to try and confirm Aaron’s answer but by how Liv’s eyebrows knit together, he knows he fails spectacularly. Aaron places a gentle hand on his shoulder, squeezing slightly. His husband is worried about him. He can feel it. “What would you like for your takeaway, Liv?”

“Indian?” she asks, finally dragging her eyes away from Robert. She’s smart and will know something is wrong. Robert is afraid of when she finally decides to not leave it alone.

“Sounds good.” Robert feels Aaron’s hand lift from his shoulder but not before Aaron rubs him briefly.

Aaron ends up ordering the food and when it arrives they all sit around the table to eat it. Liv is retelling her day and what has happened at college. Robert doesn’t hear a single word of it, too lost in his own thoughts, but she’s smiling so Robert figures she had a good day. He picks at his food, never really eating it, and he can feel Aaron’s concerned stare. When Robert dares a look at Aaron’s face, his guilt squeezes at his chest at the immense worry he sees there.

It doesn’t take long for Liv to notice. “Okay, what’s really going on?”

“Liv,” Aaron warns, no real bite behind his words.

“No, don’t dismiss me,” she says. “I’m starting to get really scared. Did something happen?”

Aaron sighs, finally peeling his eyes off Robert. “It’s nothing you have to worry about. Listen, I need to talk to Robert. Alone.”

“You can’t just send me to my room!” Liv says, agitated.

Aaron sighs again, this time heavier, more tired. “Liv, please.”

Liv looks between them, Aaron with pleading eyes and Robert avoiding looking at her all together, eyes glued to his meal. She eventually pushes away from the table, more forceful than probably necessary, and says harshly, “Fine.” She storms upstairs, stomping the whole way.

Aaron turns back to him. “Are you okay? You’ve hardly eaten.”

“I don’t feel well.”

“Are you still in pain?”

Robert shakes his head. He is but that’s not what is making him ill. “My stomach. It won’t settle.”

Aaron’s eyes narrow in thought. “The drug should be out of your system by now.”

“It is. It’s just… it’s an upset stomach, Aaron, it’s fine,” Robert explains, getting up. He walks over to the sofa and sits down, Aaron following but not joining him. He stays standing, eyes trained on Robert. “I made an appointment for tomorrow to get tested. That’s why I’m not going into work.”

Aaron’s shoulders slump. “Robert…” He comes over and sits down next to him, facing him. “Even if you weren’t going to do that, I would understand if you wanted to take a few days off work.” Aaron reaches for him, hesitates, and more guilt builds in Robert’s chest. In the end, Aaron decides it’s safe enough to grab Robert’s hand and hold it. “And I really am sorry ‘bout what I said earlier. I didn’t mean it like that.” Robert nods in acknowledgement, squeezes Aaron’s hand. “Would you like me to go with you to the appointment?”

Robert shakes his head, doesn’t want Aaron to have to deal with the hassle. “No, I’ll be fine on my own.”

“You sure?” Aaron asks. “Because I can take the day off, Robert, I don’t mind.”

Robert smiles at his husband, trying to come across as sincere. “I know you can but I don’t want you to have to.” He shrugs. “They won’t know the results right away, anyway.”

Aaron nods in thought. “I suppose.” He bites his bottom lip. “Only if you’re sure.”

Again Robert smiles at him. “I’m sure.”

Pursing his lips, Aaron nods one more time before getting up. “I think I’m going to head to bed early. It’s been a… stressful day and I’m completely knackered.”

“Alright, I’ll join you later.” Aaron pats his shoulder before turning and heading up the stairs to their bedroom.

Robert sits downstairs for a long time, replaying the whole event that took place last night over and over again in his head, trying to fill in the missing pieces. He doesn’t like not remembering and sometimes he thinks he gets close but it ends up slipping away from him. It’s almost midnight by the time he goes up stairs to get ready for bed. When he’s brushing his teeth, he notices the bags under his eyes and how messy his hair is. He hadn’t bothered trying to style it after the bath.

When he’s completed most of his night time routine, Robert enters his and Aaron’s bedroom. He stares at the bed and feels the way his heart starts to beat faster in his chest, the hotel’s bed coming to mind. He tells himself he’s being ridiculous, that he should be able to get into his own bed but his feet won’t listen to him. They stay glued to the floor and it isn’t until Robert turns around and leaves the room that they move.

He grabs a blanket from a closet in the hall and heads back downstairs, unfolding it as he goes. Robert slowly lowers himself to the sofa once more, wincing in pain, and then lies down, covering his body with the blanket and using one of the sofa pillows under his head. He’ll sleep here tonight and try the bed again tomorrow. If Aaron asks, Robert will come up with some excuse, he’s sure.

*~~~*

Robert wakes with a start, one hand on his shoulder, and clattering in the kitchen. He looks quickly around the room before his eyes land on Aaron, hovering above him. His husband is frowning.

With an exhausted groan, Robert sits up. The pain has lessened a little, it feels, and he’s glad about that. “Morning,” he says groggily.

Aaron runs a hand through Robert’s hair. “Morning. You were having a bad dream.”

“I know…”

Aaron sits down on the coffee table, face full of concern. “Did you sleep down here all night?”

Robert looks around the room, feigning ignorance. “Must have. Probably fell asleep.”

Aaron stares at him and for a second Robert is afraid he won’t believe him but then Aaron sucks on his bottom lip and nods. Liv walks by them, bag slung on her back. “I’m off then.” Neither of them acknowledge her statement and she stands there, staring at them for a few seconds before rolling her eyes and exiting the house.

With a light intake of breath, Aaron stands. “Want some breakfast?”

“Sure,” Robert answers, standing as well and following Aaron into the kitchen. He finally feels a little hungry, the nausea no longer there.

Aaron grabs a couple of slices of bread to toast and places them in the toaster, pressing down on the lever. “Want anything else with it?” Robert shakes his head. “Is your stomach feeling better?”

“Yeah, a little.”

“Good.” Aaron sits down across from him. “What time is your appointment at?”

“Ten.” Robert looks at the clock. “I should actually get ready soon.” He makes to get up but Aaron places a hand on his forearm.

“Not without eating first.” Aaron gives him a pointed look, telling Robert he better listen.

Robert lowers himself back into the chair. “Right.”

When the toast pops up, Aaron grabs it and spreads butter onto the slices. He then hands over the plate to Robert who starts eating immediately. Aaron watches him the whole time, hands cupped together and chin resting on his knuckles. “You okay?” he finally asks when Robert finishes his toast.

Robert rolls his eyes. “I’m fine. You really need to stop asking me that.”

“It’s only been a day since… I’m worried.”

Robert pushes away from the table. “Well, I’m fine. I have to be, don’t I?” He goes upstairs to their bedroom.

When he gets to the room, he opens their closet and looks inside. All his shirts are hung there, neatly in orders of colors and patterns. Floral is in one section and plain is in another. It’s an intricate organization that Aaron always teases him for but at the moment it just makes Robert anxious to look at. Pulling a handful out, he throws them onto the bed, messing up his order, and shuffles through them, trying to find something to wear. When he doesn’t find anything in that pile, he pulls out all of them and throws those onto the bed as well. Still, he can’t find anything that doesn’t make his heart pound wildly in his chest.

These are the types of shirts that made Theo attracted to him in the first place. His shirts and trousers and maybe even his  _ hair _ drew him to Robert and it makes Robert uncomfortable. His skin crawls with just the thought of putting those clothes back on him and having someone look at him like _ that  _ again. Or, at least, anyone but Aaron because Aaron is safe. He would never hurt Robert, not like that.

Turning back to the closet, Robert pulls out one of Aaron’s t-shirts, a hoodie, and then takes a pair of his trousers out of the drawers in the bureau. He slips them on quickly after changing his underwear. Once done with that, he goes and brushes his teeth for the morning and then heads back downstairs.

He’s greeted with Aaron grabbing for his keys to leave for work. Aaron notices the clothes he’s wearing and raises an eyebrow but otherwise says nothing. “I’m off to work.” He leans in and kisses Robert on the cheek. “I’ll see ya later, yeah?”

“Of course.” Aaron nods and heads to the door. Robert’s heart suddenly starts pounding hard and he can feel the panic quickly overtaking him at the thought of going to this appointment alone. “Aaron, wait.” Aaron turns to him and waits for Robert to speak. Robert squirms, opening his mouth but then changing his mind. Still, Aaron stands there, eyes trained on him expectantly. Robert tries again. “Could you come with me?”

It takes a second for Aaron to react but he soon lets out a sympathetic breath and a small smile appears on his face. “Yeah, of course, Robert. I wanted to come in the first place.” He walks up to Robert and places a hand on his shoulder. Robert resists the urge to pull away. He doesn’t want Aaron’s sympathy. “You don’t have to put up a front for me, Robert.” Aaron searches Robert’s eyes and then gestures to the sofa. “Come on.”

They sit, Aaron facing him. “Do you remember when you told me that you have to be strong all the time?” Robert nods, avoiding Aaron’s eyes and Aaron grabs his hand, holding it tightly. “You don’t have to be strong this time, Robert.” Robert can feel the tears pooling in his eyes. “Let me be strong for you this time.”

Robert sniffles and that’s what breaks the dam. The tears slip from his eyes and run down his cheeks, and Aaron pulls Robert into a hug, allowing him to sob into his shoulder. “M’sorry, Aaron,” he croaks.

He feels Aaron shake his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Robert. None of this is your fault.” Aaron pushes away and holds each side of Robert’s face, forcing Robert to look at him. “Listen, I mean it. None of it is.” Robert nods and Aaron smiles, small and sad. He wipes away Robert’s tears, leans in for a quick kiss, and then gets up. “We better get going.”

Robert wipes at his eyes again and stands as well. “Yeah.”

The ride to Hotten General feels like it takes forever and Robert’s nerves are on overdrive. Sitting in the waiting room seems like an impossibility and Aaron has to tell him more than once to stop bouncing his leg up and down. Eventually, Aaron gives up and just holds onto Robert’s hand. It’s a comforting feeling and it makes him relax a little but he still bounces his leg. When his name is called, he feels his heart jump into his throat.

Aaron leans into his ear as they follow the nurse. “It’ll be fine.” Robert nods in agreement even though his nerves don’t calm.

The first thing the doctor does when she enters the room, is explain what is going to happen and asks him how recently he has had unprotected sex. When she then asks Aaron to step out of the room, Aaron locks eyes with him, asking silently if that’s what Robert wants. He nods and Aaron leaves, saying he’ll be out in the waiting room. Once he’s gone, the doctor takes a cheek swab, has him drop his trousers and boxers to do an exam of his genitals and swab around the areas that sexual contact would have been made, and then has him pee into a cup.

“We’ll have you come back in four to five weeks to get a blood sample. Any sample prior to that won’t be able to tell us if you are HIV positive or negative since the antibodies wouldn’t have formed this quickly,” she explains. “We’ll look for genital herpes and syphilis at this time too.”

“I have to wait that long?”

The doctor nods, giving him an understanding smile. “Unfortunately, yes. Since the unprotected sex you are worried about only happened two nights ago, if we were to test your blood now, it would only come back as negative. This isn’t a good thing because it could end up being a false negative seeing as the antibodies that tell us whether HIV is present, won’t be there yet.”

Robert nods, feeling disheartened. “And the results for these tests now, how long will I have to wait?”

“Two to three days.” She’s still smiling in that way that tells Robert she understands how frustrating this is. “I suggest you don’t engage in any unprotected sex until you have the results of the HIV, genital herpes, and syphilis tests.”

Robert wipes a hand down his face. “Right. Yeah, of course.”

“The front desk will help you set up a follow up appointment to get your blood drawn.” She then leaves, allowing Robert to mull things over peacefully.

He gets up and heads back out to the waiting room where he sees his husband sitting anxiously in a chair. Aaron’s leg is now the one that is bouncing up and down and he is twiddling his fingers restlessly. Robert walks up to him and sits down after talking to the receptionist, sighing. “She can’t do a blood test right now since the results won’t be accurate.”

“Okay…”

“She wants me to come back in four to five weeks.”

“What?” Aaron turns more towards him. “That’s a long time.”

Robert nods in agreement. “I’ll get the results of the tests done today in a few days but other than that, I have to wait to get more done.” Robert briefly looks over to Aaron and lowers his voice. “In the meantime, we can’t have unprotected sex.”

Aaron shakes his head slightly, not fussed. “We don’t normally anyway.”

“But not always…”

Aaron’s lips thin. “I didn’t think you’d be up for it for a while anyway.” Robert can feel Aaron’s eyes travel down and back up his body in curiosity. “You know you can take as long as you need, right, Rob?”

Robert swallows. He didn’t want to admit to Aaron that he didn’t want sex at all right now. “Yeah, I know.”

Aaron doesn’t look like he believes him but he doesn’t say anything more about it and instead pats his shoulder. “Come on. I was thinking we could maybe go to the pub.”

Robert screws up his face. “I’d rather go home.”

“Okay, we can do that.” Robert tries to hear the disappointment in Aaron’s voice but he can’t. Somehow, that doesn’t make him feel any better about denying Aaron his wish.

They drive back home in silence and when they enter The Mill, Robert goes and sits down on the sofa while Aaron stands there, staring at him. He’s still holding onto his keys, playing with them, when he speaks. “Can you get STDs from kissing?”

“What?” Robert looks at him, eyebrows furrowing. “No, I don’t think so.” Silence passes between them and hurt begins to form in Robert’s chest. “Do you think I gave you something?”

Aaron shrugs. “Well, we have been kissing since… since what happened.”

Robert gapes at him, irrationally hurt at the thought that Aaron would think that. He jumps up from the sofa, suddenly angry. “Oh, I’m sorry, Aaron, that I got raped and might have given you something.”

Aaron is shaking his head. “That’s not-”

Robert doesn’t let him finish and instead grabs his own keys and storms out of the house, ignoring Aaron calling after him. He walks aimlessly, hands shoved into Aaron’s trouser pockets. He eventually finds himself on the bridge over The Ford, looking over and into the pool of water below. Robert clasps his hands together and tries to calm himself, feeling guilty and disgusting and he wants a hole to open up and swallow him whole.

His skin is crawling and phantom sensations of Theo’s hands crawl up the inside of his thighs. He wishes he could remember what happened but at the same time he doesn’t want to. Robert doesn’t know if remembering fragments is better or worse and sometimes memories come back to him, especially in his dreams, like the nightmare he had this morning. Theo’s hands holding him down and his voice telling him how  _ gorgeous _ he looked haunted him in it. It makes him sick and his skin prickles more.

“Robert?” Robert turns abruptly to see Chas standing there. “You alright?”

Robert pushes off the rail. “Yeah, yeah.” He shoves his hands into his pockets again.

Chas scrutinizes him. “Are you wearing Aaron’s clothes?”

Robert looks down at himself as if having to confirm in his own head that he is wearing Aaron’s clothes and forces a smile. “Uh, yeah, you know, married couples sharing clothes and all.”

Chas chuckles. “Somehow I can’t see Aaron wearing yours.”

“He has before.” Chas raises a skeptical eyebrow. “Okay, not often but he has.”

“I’m sorry, Robert, but our Aaron wouldn’t be caught dead in floral pattern.”

“Floral is a nice look,” Robert protests, enjoying the familiar banter between them and being able to just act normal for a little while.

“Maybe for acquired tastes,” Chas says and they both laugh. Robert leans back down on the railing and Chas joins him, eyes on him. Robert should have known the facade wouldn’t last long. “You look tired, Love.”

Robert’s easy smile drops and he sighs heavily. “I haven’t been sleeping well.”

“Have you talked to Aaron about this?”

“Of course, I have.” He stands straighter again. “Look, Chas, it’s nothing. I’m fine.” He walks away, deciding to head back home.

When he enters, Aaron is right there hugging him tight. “I’m so sorry, Robert.”

Robert wraps his arms around Aaron, holding him. “No, I’m sorry. I overreacted.” He pulls away. “You have every right to be concerned about yourself.”

“No, I-I should be focused on you right now.”

“Aaron,” Robert stops him. “It’s fine. I understand. It’s… scary and we both need to support each other right now.”

“Robert…”

“It’s fine, Aaron.” He places his keys down. “Depending on my results, we’ll get you tested as well if you want.”

Aaron hesitates and Robert hates himself for causing Aaron to be afraid of upsetting him. “Okay.”

“Now,” Robert starts, walking into the kitchen. “What do you want for tea?”

Surprise crosses Aaron’s face and he follows Robert. “You’re going to cook?”

“Yeah,” he says, shrugging. “It’s about time I get some normalcy back in my life and move on.”

Aaron looks unconvinced but says nothing more, sitting down at the table. “Burgers would be nice.”

Robert forces a wide smile. “Burgers it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whatever you do, don’t listen to _Hollywood Undead: Circles_ while thinking about Robron’s end.

Three days later, and Robert hasn’t left the house. What Aaron’s husband _ has _ done, is cleaned the entire Mill top to bottom _ more than once _, made multiple meals for each day, and, though Robert keeps making up excuses, Aaron knows he has been purposely sleeping on the sofa and not in their bed. Not that Robert actually looks like he’s been getting much sleep in the first place. Needless to say, Aaron is worried.

Aaron watches his husband wash the dishes from their breakfast as Aaron shucks on his jacket. “Are you sure you’ll be okay here alone?”

Robert sighs and Aaron knows he’s testing on Robert’s last patience. “I’ve already said, I’ll be fine.”

Aaron walks up to him and places a hand on Robert’s shoulder. He learned quickly to not sneak up on Robert and to always make his presence known to the man. More than once in the past few days, Robert has startled at Aaron coming up to him without Robert knowing it. He leans into Robert, one hand still on his shoulder, and kisses his cheek. He runs a quick hand through those blond locks, trying to ignore the way Robert stiffens. “If you aren’t going into work today, try to at least get some sleep in an actual bed.”

Robert is shaking his head before Aaron can even finish his statement. “I can work from home, you know?”

Aaron rubs his hand up and down Robert’s arm but Robert pulls away. It seems to not be a good day mentally for Robert and Aaron immediately feels guilty for making his husband uncomfortable. “I know you can but you haven’t, have you?”

“Does it matter?” Robert abandons the dishes, drying his hands on a tea towel and walking over to the sofa, sitting down.

Aaron joins him, speaking softly as to not upset him. “No… but if you aren’t going to, then you should get some rest, is all I’m saying. Robert,” Aaron continues. “You look exhausted.”

Robert rubs a hand down his face and suddenly the bags under his husband’s eyes seem more prominent. “Okay, fine. I’ll try.”

“In our bed?” Aaron confirms.

Robert won’t look at him. “Maybe.”

Aaron’s heart drops and he sighs. Standing, he leans over and kisses the top of Robert’s head. “Ring me if you need anything, yeah?”

Robert nods and Aaron decides to leave then only to be called back by Robert’s hesitant voice. “Aaron?” Aaron looks at him, hunched and vulnerable on the sofa. Robert looks up, meets Aaron’s eyes. “Don’t get worried but… I’ve been wondering, uh…” Robert squirms. “What’s it like to cut yourself?”

Aaron blinks at Robert, staring and feeling the automatic response of worry build in his chest significantly. His heart beats rapidly in his chest as he asks, “Why do you wanna know?”

Robert shrugs. “Just curious, that’s all.”

“Robert, you’re not-”

“No.” Robert stands, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Never. I promise. I’ve just been thinking about how you dealt with Gordon having come back that time and… well, I just…” Robert trails off and Aaron swallows thickly.

Aaron steps towards Robert. “Robert you need to tell me if you’re thinking of doing something like that.”

“I’m not!” Robert waves it away. “Forget it. Pretend I didn’t even ask.”

“I can’t just do that, Robert.”

“Look,” Robert shakes his head minutely. “I didn’t want to tell ya but I’ve been thinking about how you coped versus how I’m coping.”

Aaron resists the urge to tell Robert that he doesn’t think Robert is coping at all. “And that’s all it was?”

“Yeah.” Aaron suspects Robert is lying but he knows he isn’t going to get anywhere with him like this at the moment. Best to just leave it for later when Robert isn’t feeling so defensive.

Aaron nods slowly. “Okay.” He licks his lips, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “But I’m not answering your question, Robert. If you’re not going to do it, then it doesn’t matter, does it?” Aaron eyes Robert up and down when he doesn’t get a response. He feels the need to check Robert’s body for any bruises or cuts but there’s no way Robert will let him see him naked and he doesn’t want to push Robert over the edge. “Don’t cook tonight. I’ll pick something up from the Woolie.”

Robert nods and still doesn’t say anything. He’s no longer looking at him again and Aaron resists the urge to sigh. Aaron turns and exits The Mill, heading to work.

*~~~*

After work, Aaron heads straight to the Woolpack to order him, Liv, and Robert some food. He’s been keeping tabs on Robert throughout the day, texting him every so often and so far Robert has seemed to be okay. 

**From Aaron: received 17:34**

_ At the Woolpack now. Home in a bit _

**From Robert: received 17:37**

_ Okay _

Aaron pockets his mobile and enters the Woolpack. His mum is behind the bar and when she spots him, she comes right over. “Hiya, Love. How are ya?” 

She’s got her concerned look on, brows furrowed and lips turned down in a frown. Aaron leans down on the counter with a sigh, rubbing his face. “M’fine, Mum.”

“You look tired, Sweetheart.”

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut and uses his thumb and forefinger to rub them. “It’s been a long week.”

“Well, lucky for you it’s almost the weekend.” Chas smiles at him. “And Robert?”

Confused, Aaron asks, “What about ‘im?”

Chas shrugs, trying to act nonchalant but it only makes Aaron suspicious. “How is he?”

“Why are you asking?” Aaron leans closer, lowering his voice. “Do you know somethin’?”

“No,” she answers. “Should I?”

“No,” Aaron quickly says, straightening out. He sits down in one of the stools. “Can I order?”

“Of course, Love.” Chas takes his order and brings it to the kitchen to have it made. Aaron wonders if it is Victoria cooking or Marlon. He hopes it’s Marlon because he doesn’t think he can handle talking to her about Robert at the moment. Soon enough, his food is brought out by his mum. “Before you go, I just wanted to tell you that I did see Robert the other day and he wasn’t looking too good.”

Aaron stops short as he picks up the bag of food. “How do you mean?”

Chas rubs at her stomach, caressing the baby bump. “He just seemed pretty tired. Plus, he was wearing your clothes which I thought was odd. Especially since your trousers don’t exactly fit him.” Chas leans closer. “Sweetheart, has something happened?” She raises a finger, pointing it at Aaron in warning. “And don’t try lyin’ to me, Aaron Sugden-Dingle. There’s obviously somethin’ wrong, you both being completely knackered and all.”

Aaron sighs heavily, shaking his head. “I can’t tell you, Mum.”

“Of course you can, Love. I’m your mum. You can tell me anything.”

“I can’t. I’m sorry.” He gives her his best pleading eyes. “I promised Robert I wouldn’t.” Aaron then turns and leaves quickly, not giving his mum the chance to even try and convince him to spill what is going on to her. He can feel her eyes watching him the whole way.

Aaron returns home with the bag full of food and uses his foot to close the door, it banging loudly as it does. He walks into the kitchen to set everything down. That's when he realizes how quiet it is. Feeling his heart lurch, he walks to the sofa, half expecting Robert to be lying there, asleep, but the man is nowhere to be seen.

"Rob?" he calls out, looking around. There's no answer and his pulse quickens. "Robert?" Aaron turns and sprints up the stairs, worried about what Robert could have done. It's too quiet. "Robert?"

The first place he checks is their bedroom and he has to stop short when, standing there silently, is Robert. Aaron breathes out a slow sigh of relief and approaches his husband. "Robert?" he says gently, reaching out to touch but stops. He doesn't know if Robert would welcome physical contact right now.

Robert is staring down at the bed. He had laid out his clothes, the clothes he was wearing that night. They haven't been washed yet, Aaron made sure of that just in case Robert changed his mind about going to the police. Aaron had thought he had hidden them well but leave it to Robert to find them.

"I didn't know what to do with them," Robert says softly, barely even audible.

Aaron looks at him with empathy, knowing the feeling. After what Gordon had done to him, all he ever wanted to do was burn his pajamas but not knowing how. Not until he was older at least, when he could get a hold of matches better and bring his pajamas to a secluded spot in the city. He remembers being disgusted and ashamed, angry and so, so sad. He didn't want to live and just that thought alone terrifies him of what Robert might do.

He finally reaches one more time, carefully putting a hand on Robert's shoulder. "Do you want to keep them?"

Robert takes a breath and a fleeting look of pain passes over his face before he quickly masks it again. Aaron wishes he wouldn't do that, wishes Robert would trust him enough to show his emotions. Robert shakes his head and he's looking more and more pale as time goes on. "No."

"I'll take care of them. You don't have to." Aaron squeezes his shoulder, getting worried. Robert looks like he's going to be ill.

Suddenly, Robert's carefully hidden emotions crumble. His eyebrows knit together and he's trembling slightly. He's so pale that Aaron fears he might faint. "I'm going to be sick."

"Hey," Aaron pulls him away, grabs both shoulders. "Listen to me. I'll sort it. You don't have to have anything to do with it." He cups Robert's face, bringing him closer to kiss his forehead. "You leave it to me, yeah?"

Robert nods and clings to him, burying his face in Aaron's neck. They stay like that for a while, Aaron rubbing Robert's back and Robert holding on for dear life. Eventually they do pull away and Aaron looks at his husband to make sure he's going to be okay. Robert gives him a small, weak smile. "I think I'm going to go lie down on the sofa for a bit."

Aaron nods, smiles back, and lets him go. He turns to stare at the clothes that are still strewn out on the bed. It makes him angry. It makes him want to go find this Theo person and hit him over and over and over again until he's not breathing anymore. It makes his own stomach churn with nausea at the thought of what Robert must have gone through. He hates himself for not going to Robert when Robert had asked him to.

Rubbing the wetness away from his eyes, he heads downstairs. Robert's done what he said he was going to do and is lying on the sofa. He's not sleeping, just staring off into space. Aaron leaves him to it and goes to the kitchen to grab a bin liner. He then quickly makes his way back upstairs to their bedroom and starts stuffing the clothes into the bag. He's surprised when he finds himself shaking and tears streaming down his face as he does so.

When all the clothes — Robert's favorite jacket, that stupid floral print button up that Aaron has told him over and over again doesn't suit him, the jeans that are just on the side of too tight, his grey checkered boxer shorts, and even his damn black socks — are put in the bag, Aaron ties it tightly and sits down on the edge of the bed. He cries there, sobs really, for Robert, for his husband. He bawls because he wasn't there to protect one of the people he loves the most in this world. He cries because Robert had to suffer, had to go through that all alone and Aaron knows how that feels.

He squeezes his eyes shut and wills himself to calm down. He's not the one who was just drugged and raped. He has to be there for Robert now, not fall apart as well. Taking a couple deep breaths and rubbing at his eyes furiously, Aaron finally stands and grabs the bag. He goes back downstairs where Robert hasn't moved, takes his jacket, and puts it on. "I'm going to bring this to the bin." Robert doesn't acknowledge him. "Mum also texted for me to come over so I'll be a few minutes. You going to be alright?"

Robert finally turns his head, looking at Aaron. "Yeah." He must notice how red Aaron's face is from crying because then he asks, "Are you okay?"

Aaron shakes his head, dismissing his question. "I'm fine." He hesitates. "Are you sure you'll be okay here for a few minutes? You weren't last time."

"I didn't plan it, Aaron."

"I know," he says quickly, quelling the situation. "I just want to make sure."

"I'll be fine. Promise." Robert turns away then and Aaron knows he won't be fine.

"Okay." He opens the door. "I'll be back in a bit." Aaron leaves then, shutting the door gently behind him.

When Aaron is out of the house, he bypasses the dustbin and instead walks straight to the Woolpack once more. His first mistake is walking through the front because Diane is there now and so is Victoria. Diane jumps on him first, having been the closest since Victoria is behind the bar. "Oh, Aaron!" He gives her a small smile as a greeting. "How's Robert doing? I haven't seen him in a few days."

"Same here and I'm starting to get a little worried about what you're doing to my brother," Victoria teases but quickly turns serious. "But really, where is he? How come he hasn't come by?"

"Uh," Aaron shifts uncomfortably on his feet, not wanting to have to lie but knowing he has to. He can feel his mum's eyes on him, watching. "He hasn't been feeling well. Got the flu or somethin'."

"Oh, poor thing," Diane comments. "I'll come by later with some soup then."

"No!" Diane and Victoria's eyebrows furrow in confusion at the same time. "I mean... he's dead tired. Been sleeping mostly. I don't think he's really up for visitors right now."

Diane makes a hand motion, as if it's no big deal. "I'll just drop it off then. Maybe sit with him while he sleeps."

"I-I can give him the soup, Diane." When Diane's confusion comes back, Aaron hurries to explain. "I really don't think he wants people visiting him. Plus, if you or Vic got sick because of him... well you know what he's like."

Diane frowns but finally relents. Aaron internally sighs in relief. "Okay, well, tell him to get better soon then."

"Same from me," Victoria says before heading back into the kitchen.

Aaron nods his acknowledgement and then hurries around the older woman, motioning with his head for his mum to follow out back. Chas gives him a suspicious look as she does so. Aaron doesn't give her time to question him about it. "Can I keep these here for a bit?" He holds up the bag in his hand with Robert's clothes in it.

Chas eyes the bag, her lips pursing. "Rubbish?"

Aaron grimaces at it. "Clothes, actually."

Chas chuckles, smile appearing on her face. "You planning on staying over? You know I would have no problem with that but-"

"They're Robert's," he interrupts and Chas' smile disappears.

"And why do you want to stash Robert's clothes here?"

He searches for words that will satisfy her though he knows his mum will see right through him. Still, he tries and can only come up with, "I just can't have them at home, Mum. Please?"

Chas stares at him, probably sees the tears already forming in Aaron's eyes, and sighs heavily. "Aaron, Love, you have to tell me what's going on."

Aaron shrugs, looking anywhere but her. "I already told you, I can't." He wipes his eyes but they keep filling with tears. "I-I can't betray Robert's trust like that. He would never forgive me."

"But you can't keep bottling it up either." She grabs his free hand and brings him over to the table, sitting him down. She sits across from him, still holding his hand. "We all know how you get when you bottle things. You need to talk to someone."

"I can talk to him." Aaron swallows around the lump in his throat. "Sort of."

"Sweetheart, look at me." He does, letting out a breath. "It's obviously not enough. Look at you, you're a mess." Chas squeezes his hand. "What's happened, Love?" Aaron shakes his head. "Have you had a row?"

He shakes his head again, looking down at his lap and taking in a deep breath. "It's worse than that."

"Did you break up?"

Again, he shakes his head. "No, but it’s bad, Mum."

Chas squeezes his hand once more. "Then tell me." She waits. "Aaron, I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

"He was raped," he says suddenly, the words spilling out of his mouth before he can stop himself.

"What?"

He looks up at his mum's surprised face. "Robert was raped.”

A heavy silence falls between them with Chas sitting there, looking at him in shock, and Aaron futilely wiping at his eyes. It feels like minutes before his mum finds her voice to speak again. “How?” Her voice sounds flat, as if she is trying to hide any emotions she is feeling.

Aaron sniffles and swallows. “He was at a club the other day… for work. Someone drugged him, Mum.” He lets out a small sob. “My husband was drugged, dragged to a hotel, and raped, and I wasn’t there to protect him and I don’t know how to help him.” 

Chas rubs the back of his hand soothingly, keeping her face carefully neutral. “It’s going to be okay, Love.”

“How?” He pulls his hand away and stands, starting to pace. “This morning he asked me what it was like to cut myself.” Aaron stops, a few feet away from his mum. “I found him just now standing over these clothes, the clothes it happened in, and it scared me, Mum. I was terrified that Robert had done something to himself when I got home and couldn’t find him.”

“Is he really that bad off?”

Aaron looks at Chas in disbelief, as if to ask her how she could ask such a question. “He was raped, Mum. What do you think?”

“Okay… that was a bad choice of words.” His mum placates. She looks to the bag that is now lying on the floor. “Why do you have those clothes?”

Aaron wipes the tears off his cheeks, taking a deep breath to calm himself. “They’re evidence but Robert doesn’t want to go to the police. I thought he might change his mind eventually.”

“You really think that’s going to happen?”

Aaron shrugs. “I-I don’t know.” He goes and sits back down at the table, putting his head in his hands and resting his elbows on his knees. He rubs his hands through his hair before sitting up. “He begged me to go to them for Gordon and he tried so hard to get him locked up. I guess I was just hoping he would do the same.” Aaron shrugs again. “He’s not coping well, Mum. How do I help him? How do I help my husband through something like this?”

Chas grabs at his hand once more, holds it tight. “It doesn’t look like you’re coping well either, Sweetheart.”

He shakes his head, pulls away again. “It’s not about me.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Chas says quickly. “How did Robert help you with Gordon?”

Aaron opens his mouth, thinks about it, and then answers. “He was just there for me. Let me talk to him, encouraged me.” He smiles, small and loving. “He was the best. He helped me so much.”

Chas smiles back at him, letting out a small breath. “Then you do the same for him.”

Aaron bites his bottom lip, looks up at his mum, and nods minutely.

*~~~*

Aaron goes home right after talking to his mum. He enters the Mill to find Robert sitting on the sofa, elbows resting on his knees and hands cupped under this chin. He’s staring off into space, lost in thought. Aaron approaches slowly. “Robert?”

Robert doesn’t react, just continues to stare forward. “You told your mum, didn't you?” Aaron squirms. He doesn’t know how Robert has guessed what he was doing earlier but there’s no use trying to lie. Robert apparently knows him too well. Robert turns his head to look at him, lowering his hands to his thighs. “Why are you so determined to keep those clothes? I'm not going to the cops, Aaron, and I'm not going to change my mind.”

Aaron doesn’t answer him, let’s the silence drag out. He’s not really sure what to say to him. He hates seeing the hurt look in Robert’s eyes. “Are you mad at me?”

Robert stares at him for a long time before blinking and closing off his emotions from him. “No,” he says. “I knew you would tell your mum eventually.” He shakes his head, turns away. “She'll probably tell Paddy now.”

Aaron shakes his head. “I asked her not to.”

Robert rolls his eyes, stands, and wipes a hand down his face. “Because she's always been good about doing what you asked her.”

Aaron sighs, takes a step towards him. “I'm sorry, Robert, but I had to tell someone. I couldn't keep it to myself anymore.” Robert is now scrutinizing him quietly. Robert might know Aaron pretty well but Aaron knows Robert really well, too, and he knows his husband is furious with him just by how quiet Robert is being. He waits it out, waiting for Robert to say something but Robert just keeps silently staring at him, breathing carefully slow. Aaron sighs, regret and guilt filling his chest. He doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t know how to make any of this better. “How about I set out dinner?”

Robert shakes his head, walks past Aaron. “I don't want any.” He grabs his keys and his jacket, pulling it on. “I'm going to go for a walk.”

Aaron tries to stop him, worrying. “Robert, you need-"

“No,” Robert interrupts, going over to the door and placing a hand on the doorknob. “I-I can't be here right now, Aaron.”

Aaron panics, remembering Robert’s earlier question about hurting himself. “Robert, wait!” Robert looks back at him. “Just... don't do anything stupid.”

“I'm not going to hurt myself, Aaron,” his husband says, annoyed, before walking out. Aaron is almost surprised Robert didn’t slam the door but he’s not really that kind of bloke.

With a deep breath to try and get his own emotions under control, he sets out the food he got from the Woolpack for him and Liv. It’s not long after that, that Liv arrives home. They eat mostly in silence, Liv no doubt being able to sense something is wrong. Aaron is grateful she doesn’t ask questions. He doesn’t have the energy right now to try and dodge them. After tea, Liv goes up to her room and Aaron plants himself on the sofa, waiting for Robert’s return.

Hours go by and Aaron’s worry increases at each interval. He’s tried calling and texting Robert but he has yet to get a response back. Finally, he calls his mum. “Hello?”

“Mum? Have you seen Robert?”

“No.” He can hear her set something down, like a mug. “Why?”

“He left earlier and has been gone for hours. I’m starting to get really worried, Mum.”

“I’m sure he’s fine, Love.”

“How do you know?” Aaron gets up, paces. “He could have seriously hurt himself and I can’t help him because I don’t know where he is.”

“Sweetheart-”

“No, Mum, you don’t get it. You’re not listening,” Aaron stresses. “I’ve been there, remember? I know what he’s feeling. What he’s probably thinking. An-and he just found out that I told you and- have you told Paddy?”

There’s a short pause before his mum sighs into the phone. “I’m sorry, Love.”

“Mum!” Aaron chasises. “I told you not to-”

“I know, I know but… Come on, Aaron, it’s Paddy.”

Aaron rubs a frustrated hand down his face and through his hair. “It wasn’t yours to tell. He didn’t want anyone to know!”

“Aaron-”

“I can’t do this right now,” he says, cutting her off. “I have to find my husband.” He ends the call there, grabbing for his jacket and keys, and leaving the Mill in a rush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a matter of fact, don’t listen to _Andy Grammer: Don’t Give Up on Me_ while thinking about Robron’s end either.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for self harm in this chapter. Also, it's probably a best bet to expect other forms of self harm from here on out, especially after Aaron finds out.

Robert walks aimlessly for hours, hands shoved into his jacket pockets, and head hung low so he won’t meet anyone’s eyes. He’s mad and disappointed at the fact that Aaron told his mum, that he would tell anyone after Robert had asked him not to. He wonders if Aaron has told Liv as well. At this point, the whole damn village might as well know.

Robert doesn’t want to live in that shame. If people were to find out, they would judge him and think less of him, wouldn’t they? Or maybe they’ll think Robert, evil self-centered Robert, deserved it. That he was only asking for it eventually, that he got what he deserved after causing so much pain to so many people. It’s about time he was hurt back, right?

Robert feels sick with the thought.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been walking for but his feet begin to hurt and he’s shivering from the cold. Somehow he ends up at the cricket pavilion and, not wanting to go home just yet, he decides to rest inside. It’s not very warm but at least it’s out of the cold wind that has picked up. Plus, it’s out from watchful eyes, away from people he can’t escape. The last thing he wants to do is run into Chas or Paddy or, God forbid, Vic or Diane. He doesn’t know how he would deal with that kind of humiliation right now.

Sitting down in a fairly empty corner, Robert leans his head back against the wall and sighs. He’s tired. So, so tired. He’s been sleeping on the sofa, still unable to make himself climb into his and Aaron’s bed. Robert isn’t sure what is wrong with him, why he can’t do it. It’s not the hotel bed, Theo isn’t there but Aaron is, and it shouldn’t remind him of what happened at all. But it does and every time he thinks about lying there, his heart starts to beat fast and the panic starts to settle in. He knows he can’t keep it up, especially since he’s not really getting much sleep on the sofa in the first place, but he also doesn’t want to force the matter. So he remains perpetually tired, walking around The Mill as if he were a zombie. He can’t even properly focus on work, he’s so tired.

Robert blinks a few times and finds his eyelids drooping, the fight against sleep a quickly losing battle. He doesn’t want to sleep. That’s where the nightmares are. But he can’t stop it and soon he finds himself slumping against the wall, head lolling forward, and his eyes closing completely.

_ He’s back in the nightclub, calling out to Aaron. He can see him, just in the distance amongst a group of people. He looks happy as he dances, huge smile on his face. Robert tries to approach, two bottles of beer in hand, one no doubt for Aaron and one for himself. He calls out to his husband again, trying to push his way through the crowd but it grows thicker and Aaron gets further and further away. Robert is pushed back, people constantly bumping into him. He drops one of the beers and looks down at the shattered glass. _

_ When someone bumps into his shoulder, he looks up and finds himself no longer in the nightclub. Instead he’s lying on a bed in an unfamiliar room. There’s a man above him but it’s not Aaron. Robert calls out for his husband again but the man places a hand over his mouth, quieting him. _

_ The man leans over and whispers in his ear, “ _ Perfect _ .” _

_ Sweat gathers on Robert’s body and he realizes he is no longer clothed. When he tries to fight the man off, the man laughs, loud and obnoxious. Robert can’t move and tears are gathering in his eyes as the man’s other hand wraps around his throat and squeezes, cutting off Robert’s oxygen supply. Robert tries to struggle again but he can feel the rope around his wrists now and around his ankles. He doesn’t know when they were put there. His heart is pounding wildly in his chest and tears are streaming down his cheeks. _

_ Squeezing his eyes shut, he tries to yell for help but the next time he opens them, he’s underwater, drowning. He’s alone and there’s no one to save him, no one to love or miss him. He tries to swim to the surface, reach for Aaron’s hand that has appeared but something’s got his ankle. Looking down, he sees Theo’s grinning face, one hand wrapped around his ankle as he drags him down further and further. Reaching as far as he can, he tries to desperately touch Aaron, to allow Aaron to save him but then Aaron’s face turns grim, frown in place of his worried look, and swats Robert’s hand away. _

_ Robert calls Aaron’s name once more but Aaron is shaking his head. “I’m disappointed in you, Robert.” _

_ “No!” he gurgles, kicking at Theo’s hands. _

_ “You can’t expect me to stay with you after this.” _

_ “Aaron please!” _

_ “You’re tainted, disgusting.” Aaron’s frown turns into a grimace. “I don’t love you, Robert. Why would I waste my time and energy in trying to save you.” Aaron grows more distant as Robert is pulled further down, Theo’s hands now around his waist. “You deserved this.” Aaron sneers and Robert tries to wiggle free. “Just hurry up and die already.” _

_ Theo laughs in his ear. “Come here, gorgeous.” Robert struggles but Theo is completely wrapped around him now. “So  _ perfect _ .” _

Robert wakes with a start, two hands holding his face. Robert rapidly blinks his eyes, clearing the fog from them, to see Aaron’s face close to his. “Thank God, I couldn’t wake you for a minute there,” Aaron breathes, falling back onto his bottom and letting go of Robert’s face. “You worried me, you big muppet.”

Robert takes in a few lungfuls of air, willing his heart to stop beating out of his chest. His entire body is covered in a cold sweat, making him shiver in the cool night air. Aaron must see because the next thing he knows, Aaron is taking off his jacket and wrapping it around Robert’s shoulders. “Here.” One of Aaron’s hands come up to cup his cheek. “You alright?”

Robert wipes a hand down his face, causing Aaron to let go of him. “Bad dream.” Aaron frowns, worry etched into his face. Robert looks around the pavilion. “What are you doing here?”

“I was scared about ya, wasn’t I?” Aaron sighs, face softening. “Robert you can’t do that again. You can’t just run off because we had a fight and disappear for hours. I thought somethin’ had happened to ya.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you,” he tells his husband. “I just… I needed some air. I felt like I was suffocating.”

“I get it, Robert, I really do, but after what you just asked me this morning, I…” Aaron doesn’t complete his sentence, just sighs again. His husband’s eyes travel the entire length of his body. “You haven’t hurt yourself, have you?

“No!” Robert snaps at him. “I told ya I wouldn’t. I haven’t.”

“Okay.” Aaron holds up placating hands. “I believe ya.” Aaron stares at him, scrutinizing his entire body. Robert can’t stop shivering and Aaron reaches over, pulls the jacket closed. “I’m sorry I told my mum… and you were right. She told Paddy.”

Robert screws his eyes shut and furrows his brows, bowing his head and groaning at hearing that news. “I didn’t want anyone to know.” He feels like he’s on the verge of a breakdown. “I can’t handle Victoria and Diane knowing, Aaron.”

“They won’t.” Aaron soothes a hand across Robert’s shoulder and down his arm. “I’ll make sure of it.” He stares for a few more seconds before lunging forward and wrapping Robert into his arms. “God, I was so worried about ya.”

Robert buries his face into Aaron’s neck, breathing him in and trying to stop his shaking. His heart won’t stop pounding wildly in his chest. He can feel Aaron’s hand rubbing circles into his back, trying to relax him. “M’sorry.”

Aaron squeezes him and then pulls back, cupping his face in his hands. “Don’t be. Just promise you won’t run off again”

“I promise,” Robert says. “I just… I felt like I couldn’t breathe, Aaron.”

“Look, Robert, I get it. I know what you’re feeling and I’m sorry I made it all about me by telling my mum.” Aaron strokes one of his hands down Robert’s cheek resting it on Robert’s forearm while the other hand stays on his face. He gives Robert a sympathetic smile and it makes Robert’s stomach clench in guilt. “We need to start communicating better or else we are going to end up in the same mess that we always end up in when we bottle things.”

Robert nods in agreement, bowing his head to look down at his lap. He’s cold, even with Aaron’s jacket as an extra barrier to the chilly air. “I should be over it by now.”

“What?”

Robert looks up. “I can barely even remember it, Aaron,” he lies. “I should be past it by now. I should be fine now.”

Aaron is shaking his head, eyes full of so much empathy it makes Robert want to puke. He doesn’t deserve it. “That’s not how it works, Robert. Look how long it took me to move on from what Gordon did to me.”

“That’s different,” Robert argues. “You were a kid and it happened more than once. It was worse for you.”

“No, Robert, it’s not a competition.” Robert looks away, not being able to stand the sight of tenderness in Aaron’s eyes. “Rape is rape - yes it is,” Aaron says to Robert as Robert shakes his head. “It is and it doesn’t matter when it happened or how old you are or how much it happened. It’s still traumatizing no matter what and I don’t expect you to just be okay with it within days.” He gently lifts Robert’s head. “Look at me. I love you and support ya. There’s no time limit on this thing, Robert, and there’s no limit on how it’s affected you.”

Robert isn’t so sure he believes Aaron. He feels pathetic for allowing something like this to upset him this much. He feels like he doesn’t have a right, that he doesn’t have a right to let it get to him or talk about this stuff to Aaron because he knows it’s bringing up bad, worse memories than what Robert could ever dream of. Because no matter what Aaron says, in the end, Aaron still had it worse than him. Who is he to complain?

Robert nods in agreement to please Aaron and his husband seems to be satisfied with that for now. “Thank you for coming to find me.”

Aaron smiles at him again, this time with a lot more love than sympathy, and Robert can accept this one. “Always.” Aaron strokes his face one last time before standing, gesturing with his head. “Come on, let’s go home. I think you’re due for a warm shower.”

Robert gets up off the floor, smiling playfully. “Care to join me?”

Aaron reaches over, same playful smile plastered on his face, and tightens his jacket around Robert’s frame. “Do I have to wear my boxers again?”

Robert chuckles as they make their way out of the pavillion. “No.” Aaron’s smile grows larger and it’s the only thing that makes Robert feel just a little normal at the moment.

*~~~*

When Aaron and Robert get home, they are laughing and Robert is feeling good, something he hasn’t felt in a few days. It’s nice to laugh with his husband, act as if everything is okay. Aaron held him in his arms as they walked and then pulled him into a hug when they entered The Mill. That’s where Robert finds himself now, in Aaron’s embrace, the one place he feels the safest. He never wants to leave it.

The moment is broken when Liv comes down the stairs. “Awe, aren’t you two adorable.”

Aaron pulls away and Robert resists the urge to pull him back. Aaron shoots Liv a fake smile and she gives him one back, the pair bursting into giggles afterward. “Did you need something? Only Robert and I were ‘bout to go take a shower.”

Liv’s face scrunches into a grimace. “Ew, too much information.” Aaron smiles in triumph at making his little sister uncomfortable. “Actually, there is something.” She shifts on her feet and Robert can already feel his heart sinking into dread. Liv’s eyes dart to him and then back to Aaron. “But, uh, it’s a secret.”

“A secret?” Aaron clarifies, looking confused.

“Yeah.” She pauses. “Not for you but for him.” Liv gestures towards Robert and Robert tries to not read too much into it. “I was hoping you would come with me.”

Aaron looks towards Robert and then back to Liv. “Now?”

“Well, yeah. I want to do it as soon as possible,” she answers.

Aaron is looking at him again, hesitating, and once more Robert feels guilty at making Aaron worry about him. “Go,” he tells his husband, putting on his best smile he can muster at the moment.

Aaron’s lips pull up at the edges, his own fake smile, Robert knows. “What about our shower?”

Robert pulls Aaron in, kisses his lips, and pulls back, hands firmly on Aaron’s hips. “Rain check?”

Aaron looks skeptical but Robert knows his husband can’t say anything in front of Liv. So instead Aaron nods slowly, kisses him one last time, and steps out of Robert’s hold. “Love you.” He nods as he says it, as if having to confirm or beat into place that he means it and Robert better believe it or else.

“Love you too,” he says back because he does even though, as he watches the two leave the flat, the niggling sensation of rejection settles into his chest.

He doesn’t know what Liv was on about, doesn’t know why she needs to keep it from him but not Aaron, and tries to figure out what exactly he did wrong to get on the bad side of Liv. He can’t remember doing anything to make her mad or upset her. But then again, his memory hasn’t been all that great lately, what with the sleep deprivation and all.

With a deep breath, Robert walks over to the table and rests his hands on it, leaning into it to support himself. The Mill is quiet and suddenly Robert is acutely aware of just how alone he is. It’s a weird feeling, something he hadn't felt until now. While Aaron is at work and Liv is at college, he enjoys the alone time. It’s times like this that Robert doesn’t have to worry about Liv’s questions and Aaron’s concerned looks. It’s when he can ignore that guilt of worrying them.

But now, with The Mill so empty, he feels like it’s all closing in on him. The walls are too close and the ceiling is crushing him. The air he tries to gulp into his lungs burns and his vision starts to blur with tears. Curling his fingers to form fists, Robert pushes into the table more, trying to keep his breathing under control and willing his heart to stop beating out of his chest. Nothing works until he remembers, long ago, when Aaron explained to him that the cuts helped calm all the emotions he was feeling inside.

Robert had been confused one day, back when they had just gotten back together after the affair, about Aaron’s scars. He had asked him why Aaron did it and hesitantly Aaron had told him that. This morning, Robert had hoped Aaron would elaborate, explain a little more because at the time, only mere hours ago, Robert didn’t understand why hurting yourself would make the emotions he was feeling calmer. Aaron refused to give him that explanation.

He’ll just have to figure it out himself.

Pushing off the table, he reaches out to the drawer with all the knives with shaky hands. He’s still breathing uncontrollably, gasping for air that stings his lungs. Sweat has begun to form on his body and the tears are now rolling down his cheeks. He has to blink them away before grabbing for a knife.

He places the knife at the tip of his finger. Robert isn’t quite sure why he chooses this part of himself, rationalizes that it would be easier to come up with an excuse as to why he has a cut on his finger than one on his arm or any other part of his body. He presses the edge of the knife against his skin, briefly thinks about all the times he got upset at Aaron for cutting himself, then says, fuck it, and presses harder until he can see blood.

It drips down his finger and onto the counter top and as he watches the flow, his breathing calms and his heart rate slows. Robert, however, isn’t sure if it’s from the cut or if it’s just from being distracted. He’ll have to probe more from Aaron, hopefully without making his husband even more suspicious. 

Quickly, Robert grabs a kitchen towel and wraps it around his finger. It’s starting to sting now and he doesn’t want to get blood everywhere. He takes another towel and cleans up the blood after wetting it down. He’ll have to throw the kitchen towels away outside so Aaron doesn’t see but in the meantime, he keeps the one around his finger firmly in place as he goes to the bathroom to get the first aid kit. Digging through the box, he pulls out a plaster and replaces the towel with that. Afterward, he goes outside to throw the two towels in the dustbin and then washes the knife after having left it in the sink.

He then goes to take that much needed shower, feeling calmer and more at ease than he has in days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


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